I've learned that it takes time to process a birth - not only the happenings but also the emotions entwined in it. Birth isn't just physical. It's emotional. So very very emotional. And this birth was so different from both of my others - both physically and emotionally. Not better or worse. Just .... different. But now that I've had some time to process my feelings and recount the day's happenings, I'm finally at a place where I can write it down. So here goes.
Our due date was January 10th, but since my first two babies came a few days past their due dates, I really wasn't expecting a baby until at least Jan 15th. Not sure why I had that date stuck in my head, but there it was. So it was no surprise that I woke up pregnant on January 11th, a Saturday. I did, however, wake up to a few "stronger than Braxton Hicks" contractions. Nothing too serious, but strong enough to wake me up. I tried timing them, but I was tired and telling time at 4am is not my strong suit. They were perhaps 10-15 minutes apart. Maybe this is it? But 7am comes around, the two noisy big brothers roll out of bed yelling at each other and, as suspected, contractions spaced out to nearly non-existent.
Chris took the boys down stairs and started making breakfast while I enjoyed an extra half hour of sleep. I eventually waddle downstairs and join them for breakfast. I told Chris I had had a few contractions, but it's most likely nothing. The boys are still bickering with each other (hello cabin fever) and I feel like crap! As it turns out, I developed a lovely case of shingles that week. Yes, shingles. So not only am I 40 weeks pregnant, but I have this painful, burning rash wrapped around my rib cage. Lovely. So Chris graciously offers to take the boys out to the zoo so I can enjoy some quiet time alone. I love that man!
While they were gone, I tried timing these contractions but they were the farthest thing from consistent. 10 minutes apart. Then 8, 15, 12, 7, 14 minutes apart. They were strong enough to cause me to pause during each one, but the inconsistency made me believe I was in super early labor (if I was in labor at all). I texted my doula (who lives an hour away) to let her know to keep her phone close by, but I really wasn't expecting anything to pick up until maybe that evening when the boys went to bed. The contractions weren't consistent and with the kids awake, I knew nothing would progress. And besides, who has a baby in the middle of the day anyway??
After the boys left, I putsed around the house - I took a shower, dried my hair, prepped a crock pot meal for supper, made sandwiches for the boys' lunch - all the while having these really random contractions. It felt good to lean forward during them. And each contraction I felt solely in my lower abdomen. In fact, I had to feel the top of my uterus with my hand to see if it was even contracting that high. It was. You see, this baby sat sooooo low throughout my whole pregnancy that all my broad ligaments were maxed out. Stretched, achy and cramping. And that is where I felt each and every contraction. It hurt, but they were mild enough that I was handling them fine.
Chris and the kids came home around 12:30pm and I sat them down for lunch. A contraction came on and I leaned over the table to breath through it. And then Chris starts to get a bit nervous. "What's going on? Are they getting stronger?? Should I call someone to come get the boys?" They were getting stronger, but I really didn't feel the need for the boys to leave. "I'm fine" I told him. "They're so putsy putsy, this may not even be labor at all." I honestly didn't think I was in labor and I really didn't want to call our whole birth team over just to have them sit around twiddling their thumbs. But after a few more of the "stop me in my tracks" contractions, Chris calls Grandma Gale to get the boys. And then he starts filling the birth pool!
"What are you doing?!?? This is a little premature, don't you think??" And now Brooks and Carter were getting excited too. They're hovering around the pool asking "Is the baby coming today? Are you going to get in the water and push the baby out, Mama?" I didn't even know what to say to them. Um ..... maybe? The baby might come today. I didn't want to get their hopes up if this turned out to not be labor after all. And while the pool is filling, Chris is packing the boys' backpack, pulling down the boxes filled with our birth supplies and getting the house ready to have a baby.
Whoa! Seriously? We're doing this? I am NOT in labor and we do NOT need these things! He was making me nervous with all his bustling about. Several times I told him to sit down. Finally he stops and says to me "Do you NOT remember how fast Carter's labor was? I need to get all this set up so that I can focus on you. You don't want me filling the birth pool when labor really picks up and you need me."
Fine. I finally conceded to his birth preparations. I breathed through a few more contractions while he worked. Grandma and Papa Gale arrived a little before 2pm. A contraction came while they were here, so I stepped into the bathroom, breathed though it and them come back out to chat with them. I still felt kind of silly asking them to take the boys so early, but even if labor did stall out, I would at least enjoy a quiet afternoon with my husband. That would be nice. I kiss both the boys good-bye and they all head out.
After they left, Chris made me some toast and I sat down to eat lunch. A few stronger contractions came while I was eating and I told Chris to call Sara, our doula. Since she was coming from Vermillion, an hour away, and has two young children of her own, I wanted to give her enough time to make it here. She offered to send over her back-up doula, Niki, until she arrived but we declined. Labor was still going slow and we were handling things fine. Chris was timing contractions now and they were finally settling into an every 8 minute pattern. We contemplated calling our midwife, but decided we'd wait until things picked up a bit. I just knew this was going to be my "all day" labor.
When I finished eating, I laid down on the couch for a bit. The contractions hurt more while laying down so I got up and knelt over the couch. That felt better. Then I moved over to the floor by the pool. It was the middle of the afternoon and the sun was beaming in though the window. I wanted to sit in the sunshine. So there I am. Sitting on the floor - just soaking up the warmth of the sun. Contractions were getting stronger, but still 8 minutes apart. Chris and I were talking and laughing in between them. And it was nice. It was how I pictured labor to be. Calm and relaxed. I even joked with Chris, Wouldn't it be great if we had a baby before supper? knowing fully that this labor would go well into the evening.
A little after 3pm, I had a few contractions that were 5 minutes apart. We decided to call Debbie, our midwife. And then I decided I wanted to get in the birth pool. Contractions were becoming increasingly stronger and I wanted to relax in the water. About 3:15pm, Sara arrives and finishes getting the house ready for the birth - making our bed, laying out plastic sheets and such.
When I first sat in the water, it felt so good. The warm water was as relaxing as I thought it would be. And then I had a few contractions. Whooo, were they strong. Having never labored in such a big pool before, I wasn't quite sure how to situate myself. But I ended up on my knees, leaning over the edge of the pool. And now, after just a few minutes in the water, these contractions became really intense. I mean, barely making it through each one kind of intense. I was relaxing as best as I could, moaning, yelling and cutting off the circulation in Chris' hand. But still they came even stronger. And that's when the fear set in. I still have it in my head that this is going to last several more hours, and I can barely handle it right now. I felt like I was drowning in these contractions. I wasn't sure if I could handle even a few more, let alone countless more over the next few hours. And because all the pain is still concentrated on my cramping ligaments, it didn't matter how much I relaxed during each contraction. They still hurt like hell. This was not peaceful. Or relaxing. And all of a sudden, this was no fun at all.
And then the mother of all contractions came. And about the time it was "supposed" to be over, it wasn't. It just kept coming. And coming. And coming. For 4 minutes it came. I remember saying out loud "It's not stopping. Why is it not stopping?" And I officially panicked. I truly doubted my ability to birth this baby. I questioned our decision to have this baby at home - away from all drugs & pain relief. And for the first time during any of my labors, I was really scared. Chris kept saying what a good job I was doing. Sara was telling me that the baby was coming soon. But I didn't believe a word of it. I was handling these contractions terribly and I still had hours to go.
(I'm pretty sure at this point everyone knew I was in transition .... except me.)
And just about that time, a contraction came and I grunted at the peak of it. Wait. Was that a push? I can't be pushing, can I? This must be what's called "wishful" pushing. Because as much as I wanted to be pushing, I still didn't believe I was at the end of labor. It had just started after all.
And then with the next few contractions, I pushed. But I still wasn't sure if that's what I was really doing. The sensations are totally different in the water. I felt pressure, but not the bearing down sensation I felt with the other two boys. In fact, I actually reached my hand down to feel if there was a baby even coming. Sure enough. There was. My bag of water was still intact, because that's what I actually felt. But I knew baby was right behind it. And I kept thinking "Does anyone know I'm pushing? Is it ok that I'm pushing?" Because no one said anything. Not a word. Our midwife just stood by and quietly observed. I felt like I should have mentioned that a head was coming, but I couldn't get the words out. She obviously knew what was going on, but it was just so different to not be given any instructions - to just allow my body to push as I felt the urge to push. With a few more grunts and pushes, the head was out. It just kind of ... slid out. Birthing in the water is so different. It didn't really hurt. Just a whole lot of pressure.
With the next contraction (which seemed to take forever to come) I started pushing out the rest of this baby. Chris was still holding my hands, and Debbie said to him "Dad, if you want to catch this baby, you better get back there." Apparently neither of us knew baby was coming this quick! So he rushed back, and just as the baby was slipping out, Chris caught him in the water and lifted him up.
I turned over and was finally able to meet this baby face to face!! And as Chris handed him to me he said with tears in his eyes "We have a little boy". I couldn't believe it. I felt like labor just started and here was this sweet baby boy already in my arms. He was beautiful with dark hair and the cutest little snorts and grunts as he cried. Our third son was absolutely perfect.
About 20 minutes after Bennett was born, Katie showed up and took some more pictures. Niki, another doula and friend, also came to offer her support. We were surrounded by so many fantastic people. I'm still overwhelmed thinking about how blessed and loved we were (and still are!).
After he handed me my baby, Chris climbed in the pool with me and we both became acquainted with our new son. What an amazing feeling to be holding this child that we've been waiting for for the last nine months. I cried. Chris cried. Both so very thankful for all we've been blessed with.
After an hour of skin to skin and bonding with Bennett, Debbie mentioned that we really needed to get the placenta out. I was surprised that it still hadn't come. She suggested that I get out of the pool to push it out. We cut the umbilical cord so I could get out, and Chris was able to enjoy skin to skin time with our sweet boy.
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| I will never again give birth without doulas. What amazing people!! |
And when everyone went home and the boys were tucked into their beds, we went to bed too. In our own bed. In our own house. With no one interrupting us every hour to sign paperwork, check vitals or any of that other hospital protocol. It was amazing. And even though we had good births in the hospital, I am absolutely sold on home birth. If we decide to have more children, I would love to have them at home!!
